Not a happy camper

Friday Nov 26

I don't know how or why I did it, but I managed to haul myself out of bed when the alarm went off at 5.25am. As I put on my workout gear, I thought about how I was feeling and I asked myself the following questions: how unhappy was I as a 'fat' person? how unhappy am I as an exercising & dieting person? Let's just say that this morning, I reckoned I was happier as a fat person.

Believe me, that's not a motivating thought.

But,  I dutifully put myself through the paces. Why? I still don't have the answer.

Didn't cry as much today...but I can still feel the tears and the anger simmering just below the surface.

Thursday Nov 25

Had a really lousy night's sleep--worrying about hearing my alarm and getting up in time for my group PT session with J and still playing the meeting over and over in my head. When my alarm finally does go off...it's like I had only just gotten to sleep.

I dragged myself out of bed. Fortunately, we had packed everything last night to make this morning more manageable.  I arrived a little bit early, so I thought I'd beat J to the punch and get my warm up out of the way without an audience. I walked down the stairs, paused for a sec and then ran up. I did this twice. Puffing, I made my way into the Centre, only to hear J say that she had a different warm up planned for today! Just my luck!!

It was like running 'lines' in volley ball practise. K & I stood about 10 feet apart facing each other. We had to toss a ball 4 times, drop the ball, run to the wall, start again, and then repeat until J told us to stop. Yeah, I was positively 'glowing' by the time we finished up. Then, straight into the warm up.

I was impressed with myself today. I finished the tricep circuit twice in LESS than 15 mins! I thought that meant I could have a longer break between the circuits...Don't know what I was thinking! J smiled at me and told me to start the circuit over until the time was up! That will learn me!

Made it 1 and a half times through the bicep circuit before the time ran out.  Then, warm down. Then my favourite bit--collapsing in a heap in the dark for a couple of minutes to focus on our breathing! Bliss.

Didn't feel too well afterwards. I felt really light-headed, unfocussed and a bit nauseas. Not ideal. The feeling persisted for the next couple of hours, although the shower at work and breakfast seemed to help a bit. Perhaps the fact that it was day 1 of my period contributed to my general feeling of yuckiness.

Emotionally--still a basket case. Summoned up my courage and spoke to my manager about yesterday's meeting. I held it together and I'm really proud of myself for doing it.

G booked me in for a back, shoulder and leg massage with a little sorbolene cream and some deep heat! Marvelous! I felt really spoiled!

Then we took my measurements. Not the best plan. Secretly, I had been counting on a change in my measurements to prove to me that my effort of the past few weeks was worthwhile and meaningful--especially since I didn't seem to be making much of showing on the scales. To my disgust, not much had changed since Oct. That really threw me into a tail-spin. I've moved from discouragement to despair.

Wednesday Nov 24

Things are getting more and more ugly. I'm finding it harder and harder to cope.  I'm either angry or crying or both. I wish someone would just give me something to make me feel better. Part of me longs for pizza shapes, coke or lollies. Anything to take me out of this place.

The meeting at work this afternoon is a shocker...and I find myself sitting in my car outside the college, listening to music and crying. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage to get through the next 4 hrs of classes. Somehow, I did.



Tuesday Nov 23

G and I worked out this morning, knowing that today's appointment with J would have another focus.

Met J after work to go through my food diary and discuss nutrition. Overall, she was impressed with the changes that I had made after our original chat. My areas to focus on this week: getting to bed BEFORE 10pm at least 2 nights this week, eating my afternoon snacks so that it's never longer than 4 hrs between eating, insuring that I eat breakfast BEFORE 9am and lastly, to add more fruit to my diet.

We discussed the possibility of reducing the amount of raw sugar that I've been consuming which is anywhere from 3-5 tsp of raw sugar per day (in my coffee & tea). When she sugggested it, I actually got a little teary. I've been really struggling this week and sometimes, looking forward to a cup of tea with 1 tsp of raw sugar is all that keeps me going. Fortunately, J took pity on me and said we could look at it down the track.

She gave me some suggestions on items that I could add to my diet to give me a little more variety. I think that will make a big difference.

Tonight, when I get home, things deteriorate. I can't figure out what's wrong with me...but I can't seem to stop crying. I just feel so discouraged..like all this effort is for nothing.

Monday Nov 22

I would normally be spending the day with my daughter...but due to having to be at college on the weekend, I had to swap my normal weekend to have her. So, instead of craft, I spent the day sorting out our lines of communication. I purchased a new modem and a new phone.  Back in contact with the outside world!!

I was intending to hang out at my local McDonald's to use their free Wi-Fi, but the lure of junk food was too tempting. I wisely stayed at home, and satisfied my cravings with an instant coffee. Besides, I finally had my own internet working again!

I waited for G to come home, we donned our workout gear, and then set about doing the full workout: both circuits twice. We managed to complete it in 61mins! Brilliant!