Friday Nov 26
I don't know how or why I did it, but I managed to haul myself out of bed when the alarm went off at 5.25am. As I put on my workout gear, I thought about how I was feeling and I asked myself the following questions: how unhappy was I as a 'fat' person? how unhappy am I as an exercising & dieting person? Let's just say that this morning, I reckoned I was happier as a fat person.
Believe me, that's not a motivating thought.
But, I dutifully put myself through the paces. Why? I still don't have the answer.
Didn't cry as much today...but I can still feel the tears and the anger simmering just below the surface.
Thursday Nov 25
Had a really lousy night's sleep--worrying about hearing my alarm and getting up in time for my group PT session with J and still playing the meeting over and over in my head. When my alarm finally does go off...it's like I had only just gotten to sleep.
I dragged myself out of bed. Fortunately, we had packed everything last night to make this morning more manageable. I arrived a little bit early, so I thought I'd beat J to the punch and get my warm up out of the way without an audience. I walked down the stairs, paused for a sec and then ran up. I did this twice. Puffing, I made my way into the Centre, only to hear J say that she had a different warm up planned for today! Just my luck!!
It was like running 'lines' in volley ball practise. K & I stood about 10 feet apart facing each other. We had to toss a ball 4 times, drop the ball, run to the wall, start again, and then repeat until J told us to stop. Yeah, I was positively 'glowing' by the time we finished up. Then, straight into the warm up.
I was impressed with myself today. I finished the tricep circuit twice in LESS than 15 mins! I thought that meant I could have a longer break between the circuits...Don't know what I was thinking! J smiled at me and told me to start the circuit over until the time was up! That will learn me!
Made it 1 and a half times through the bicep circuit before the time ran out. Then, warm down. Then my favourite bit--collapsing in a heap in the dark for a couple of minutes to focus on our breathing! Bliss.
Didn't feel too well afterwards. I felt really light-headed, unfocussed and a bit nauseas. Not ideal. The feeling persisted for the next couple of hours, although the shower at work and breakfast seemed to help a bit. Perhaps the fact that it was day 1 of my period contributed to my general feeling of yuckiness.
Emotionally--still a basket case. Summoned up my courage and spoke to my manager about yesterday's meeting. I held it together and I'm really proud of myself for doing it.
G booked me in for a back, shoulder and leg massage with a little sorbolene cream and some deep heat! Marvelous! I felt really spoiled!
Then we took my measurements. Not the best plan. Secretly, I had been counting on a change in my measurements to prove to me that my effort of the past few weeks was worthwhile and meaningful--especially since I didn't seem to be making much of showing on the scales. To my disgust, not much had changed since Oct. That really threw me into a tail-spin. I've moved from discouragement to despair.
Wednesday Nov 24
Things are getting more and more ugly. I'm finding it harder and harder to cope. I'm either angry or crying or both. I wish someone would just give me something to make me feel better. Part of me longs for pizza shapes, coke or lollies. Anything to take me out of this place.
The meeting at work this afternoon is a shocker...and I find myself sitting in my car outside the college, listening to music and crying. I wasn't sure how I was going to manage to get through the next 4 hrs of classes. Somehow, I did.
Tuesday Nov 23
G and I worked out this morning, knowing that today's appointment with J would have another focus.
Met J after work to go through my food diary and discuss nutrition. Overall, she was impressed with the changes that I had made after our original chat. My areas to focus on this week: getting to bed BEFORE 10pm at least 2 nights this week, eating my afternoon snacks so that it's never longer than 4 hrs between eating, insuring that I eat breakfast BEFORE 9am and lastly, to add more fruit to my diet.
We discussed the possibility of reducing the amount of raw sugar that I've been consuming which is anywhere from 3-5 tsp of raw sugar per day (in my coffee & tea). When she sugggested it, I actually got a little teary. I've been really struggling this week and sometimes, looking forward to a cup of tea with 1 tsp of raw sugar is all that keeps me going. Fortunately, J took pity on me and said we could look at it down the track.
She gave me some suggestions on items that I could add to my diet to give me a little more variety. I think that will make a big difference.
Tonight, when I get home, things deteriorate. I can't figure out what's wrong with me...but I can't seem to stop crying. I just feel so discouraged..like all this effort is for nothing.
Monday Nov 22
I would normally be spending the day with my daughter...but due to having to be at college on the weekend, I had to swap my normal weekend to have her. So, instead of craft, I spent the day sorting out our lines of communication. I purchased a new modem and a new phone. Back in contact with the outside world!!
I was intending to hang out at my local McDonald's to use their free Wi-Fi, but the lure of junk food was too tempting. I wisely stayed at home, and satisfied my cravings with an instant coffee. Besides, I finally had my own internet working again!
I waited for G to come home, we donned our workout gear, and then set about doing the full workout: both circuits twice. We managed to complete it in 61mins! Brilliant!
Friday, November 26, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
bit of a catch up
It's been a whole week since I've updated this blog. Crazy. Let's see....
Tuesday Nov 16
Today was supposed to end with a 1hr session with J-chatting about nutrition, but due to a case of crossed wires, it turned out that I ended up at home with G. We did the tricep circuit and a round of the new 'blue page' neck and back stretches.
Then we settled in for the Packed to the Rafters season finale.
Wednesday Nov 17
Crawled out of bed, slipped into our workout gear and headed for the lounge room to do our bicep circuit. G isn't much of a morning exerciser and is finding it tough to get into a morning rhythm. Me? Well, I'm not much of a morning ANYTHING--especially not at 5.25am!
I'm struggling this week. Every day, I expect it to get just a little bit easier- but it doesn't. Each morning, my arms burn just as much as they did the day before. I'm feeling sad and discouraged so when G finishes her last lot of squats and heads off to the shower, I wrap my arms around my gym ball and cry for a minute or 2. Somehow, it makes me feel a tiny bit better.
It's a college night tonight. My backpack weighs a tonne- ok, more like 10kgs! 2 bottles of water, my laptop, my college books and my lunch. Life seemed lighter before I started on this journey!!
By the time I get home from college and wind down mentally, it's 11.15pm! No wonder I'm so tired.
Thursday Nov 18
No rest for the wicked! I didn't sleep very well last night...worrying about my alarm going off and being on time for my 2nd group session with J. Fortunately, G helped me get organised last night. My work out back is packed (and I'm even wearing runners instead of my black work shoes- I admit, it's a much better look!).
I arrived a couple of minutes early, had a chat with J and then she says, "ok-to warm up, I'd like you to walk down the stairs and then run or walk quickly up them." I groaned inwardly. This was not going to be good. I did as she asked, made it to the top without incident, only for her to say: "Just one more time." The second time was not so successful. About 5 stairs from the top, my runner got caught or I just ran out of gumption, and I had to put my hand down to steady myself. How embarrassing!!
Shortly after that, my fellow participant arrived - just the 2 of us this morning. I spent the first few minutes gasping as inconspicuously as possible whilst stretching. Not an easy feat. Guess my cardio needs some definite focus.
I started on the bicep side of the room. I almost made it through the circuit twice in 15mins. Not too shabby. Then a 1 minute break and across to the tricep stations. I think I only made it through that circuit once--but J also allows less time for the 2nd circuit. We did our warm down and then relaxed on the yoga mats in the darkness for a minute. Bliss.
Miracle of miracles, I was able to walk down the stairs without wincing at every step (last time I did this, I couldn't walk down stairs for 4 days without groaning and grimacing!). I have to grudgingly admit, that my workouts at home with G must be doing something.
Since I'd already done my workout for the day and I had some time to kill before G got home from donating blood in the city, I headed to K-Mart to do a little retail therapy. I scored some workout gear bargains and even picked up a running shirt for G. I picked up a hand pump to top up the gym ball (after using the ones at the Centre this morning, I realised that ours could use a little more air). I even picked up a groovy little gym towel (hopefully I can use this to keep my sweat from dripping onto the yoga mat!) I managed to resist purchasing a 'step' to do my morning exercises--but just barely!
Early to bed. Exhausted after this week's exertions. In fact, the days are starting to blur together and I can hardly remember what day it is, let alone what circuit I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe sleep is just the thing I need to get my equilibrium back.
Night all!
Friday Nov 19
Sleep seemed to help- at least I don't feel like the walking dead today. Tricep circuit done. Time to head off to work.
Tonight we met up with a good friend of G's for dinner at Darling Harbour. I tried to eat light stuff in preparation for tonight's festivities. We decided on Asian/Malaysian--much safer than Italian! I was careful to choose mostly healthy options. I had 2 pots of Jasmine tea instead of alcohol or soft drinks. I had 1/2 cup of rice and maybe 1 1/3 cups of noodles. At any rate, the 3 of us were unable to finish the 2 mains that we'd purchased. Then our friend suggested the Lindt Cafe for dessert.
I have heard so much about the Lindt Cafe. It sounded divine! However, standing in the cafe, I didn't feel tempted by any of the chocolate. Weird. The plan was to have hot chocolate, but when it came time to order, I weighed up how my stomach was feeling after dinner (not too crash hot) and how it might feel if I added warm milk and chocolate to it. In the end, I settled on honey-sweetened iced tea with lemon and a sip of G's hot chocolate.
It was 1.30 by the time we arrived home. Knowing I had college in the morning, I dropped into bed.
Saturday Nov 20
I pried my eyes open at 8am and realised there was no why I'd be able to manage any exercise this morning. Instead, I settled for an instant coffee and my usual breakfast of Jalna yogurt and Carman's Classic fruit muesli. Yum.
Just before I headed off to college, we discovered that our modem had finally gone to join the big download in the sky. Not impressed.
College was great. Weekend intensives can often be pretty full on, but today was relaxed and lovely. I wasn't organised enough to bring my own lunch, but Nature Care College has a lovely cafe that sells healthy food. I decided to have cauliflower and sweet potatoe au gratin (basically cauliflower with white cheesy sauce) and roast pumpkin and rocket salad. I managed to get the au gratin down and the rocket, but I had to leave most of the roast pumpkin--I was just too full to fit it in.
Since I hadn't exercised in the morning, I figured I'd better get stuck into it when I got home from college. Still feeling tired, but I managed to finish the bicep circuits. For dinner, G prepared a delicious broiled salmon with lemon juice and a green salad. Beautiful! Early to bed for me again tonight!
Sunday Nov 21
Today was much the same as yesterday. Jalna yogurt, Carman's Classic Fruit Muesli and an instant coffee for breakfast. Tossed a couple of carrots into my backpack. Feeling a bit off the nuts these days. G and I seemed to have developed an allergic reaction to something that we've been eating. I reckon it's either the nuts or perhaps the sulphates in the dried apricots, so I'm going to cut down on them and see if the reaction improves.
College was great. We covered Carl Jung and Joseph Campell. VERY VERY Cool!
It was a lot harder to get through the tricep circuits tonight. Normally it's the easier one (for me) but I really struggled today. Oh well, at least I completed them. Now for a relaxing night of TV.
Tuesday Nov 16
Today was supposed to end with a 1hr session with J-chatting about nutrition, but due to a case of crossed wires, it turned out that I ended up at home with G. We did the tricep circuit and a round of the new 'blue page' neck and back stretches.
Then we settled in for the Packed to the Rafters season finale.
Wednesday Nov 17
Crawled out of bed, slipped into our workout gear and headed for the lounge room to do our bicep circuit. G isn't much of a morning exerciser and is finding it tough to get into a morning rhythm. Me? Well, I'm not much of a morning ANYTHING--especially not at 5.25am!
I'm struggling this week. Every day, I expect it to get just a little bit easier- but it doesn't. Each morning, my arms burn just as much as they did the day before. I'm feeling sad and discouraged so when G finishes her last lot of squats and heads off to the shower, I wrap my arms around my gym ball and cry for a minute or 2. Somehow, it makes me feel a tiny bit better.
It's a college night tonight. My backpack weighs a tonne- ok, more like 10kgs! 2 bottles of water, my laptop, my college books and my lunch. Life seemed lighter before I started on this journey!!
By the time I get home from college and wind down mentally, it's 11.15pm! No wonder I'm so tired.
Thursday Nov 18
No rest for the wicked! I didn't sleep very well last night...worrying about my alarm going off and being on time for my 2nd group session with J. Fortunately, G helped me get organised last night. My work out back is packed (and I'm even wearing runners instead of my black work shoes- I admit, it's a much better look!).
I arrived a couple of minutes early, had a chat with J and then she says, "ok-to warm up, I'd like you to walk down the stairs and then run or walk quickly up them." I groaned inwardly. This was not going to be good. I did as she asked, made it to the top without incident, only for her to say: "Just one more time." The second time was not so successful. About 5 stairs from the top, my runner got caught or I just ran out of gumption, and I had to put my hand down to steady myself. How embarrassing!!
Shortly after that, my fellow participant arrived - just the 2 of us this morning. I spent the first few minutes gasping as inconspicuously as possible whilst stretching. Not an easy feat. Guess my cardio needs some definite focus.
I started on the bicep side of the room. I almost made it through the circuit twice in 15mins. Not too shabby. Then a 1 minute break and across to the tricep stations. I think I only made it through that circuit once--but J also allows less time for the 2nd circuit. We did our warm down and then relaxed on the yoga mats in the darkness for a minute. Bliss.
Miracle of miracles, I was able to walk down the stairs without wincing at every step (last time I did this, I couldn't walk down stairs for 4 days without groaning and grimacing!). I have to grudgingly admit, that my workouts at home with G must be doing something.
Since I'd already done my workout for the day and I had some time to kill before G got home from donating blood in the city, I headed to K-Mart to do a little retail therapy. I scored some workout gear bargains and even picked up a running shirt for G. I picked up a hand pump to top up the gym ball (after using the ones at the Centre this morning, I realised that ours could use a little more air). I even picked up a groovy little gym towel (hopefully I can use this to keep my sweat from dripping onto the yoga mat!) I managed to resist purchasing a 'step' to do my morning exercises--but just barely!
Early to bed. Exhausted after this week's exertions. In fact, the days are starting to blur together and I can hardly remember what day it is, let alone what circuit I'm supposed to be doing. Maybe sleep is just the thing I need to get my equilibrium back.
Night all!
Friday Nov 19
Sleep seemed to help- at least I don't feel like the walking dead today. Tricep circuit done. Time to head off to work.
Tonight we met up with a good friend of G's for dinner at Darling Harbour. I tried to eat light stuff in preparation for tonight's festivities. We decided on Asian/Malaysian--much safer than Italian! I was careful to choose mostly healthy options. I had 2 pots of Jasmine tea instead of alcohol or soft drinks. I had 1/2 cup of rice and maybe 1 1/3 cups of noodles. At any rate, the 3 of us were unable to finish the 2 mains that we'd purchased. Then our friend suggested the Lindt Cafe for dessert.
I have heard so much about the Lindt Cafe. It sounded divine! However, standing in the cafe, I didn't feel tempted by any of the chocolate. Weird. The plan was to have hot chocolate, but when it came time to order, I weighed up how my stomach was feeling after dinner (not too crash hot) and how it might feel if I added warm milk and chocolate to it. In the end, I settled on honey-sweetened iced tea with lemon and a sip of G's hot chocolate.
It was 1.30 by the time we arrived home. Knowing I had college in the morning, I dropped into bed.
Saturday Nov 20
I pried my eyes open at 8am and realised there was no why I'd be able to manage any exercise this morning. Instead, I settled for an instant coffee and my usual breakfast of Jalna yogurt and Carman's Classic fruit muesli. Yum.
Just before I headed off to college, we discovered that our modem had finally gone to join the big download in the sky. Not impressed.
College was great. Weekend intensives can often be pretty full on, but today was relaxed and lovely. I wasn't organised enough to bring my own lunch, but Nature Care College has a lovely cafe that sells healthy food. I decided to have cauliflower and sweet potatoe au gratin (basically cauliflower with white cheesy sauce) and roast pumpkin and rocket salad. I managed to get the au gratin down and the rocket, but I had to leave most of the roast pumpkin--I was just too full to fit it in.
Since I hadn't exercised in the morning, I figured I'd better get stuck into it when I got home from college. Still feeling tired, but I managed to finish the bicep circuits. For dinner, G prepared a delicious broiled salmon with lemon juice and a green salad. Beautiful! Early to bed for me again tonight!
Sunday Nov 21
Today was much the same as yesterday. Jalna yogurt, Carman's Classic Fruit Muesli and an instant coffee for breakfast. Tossed a couple of carrots into my backpack. Feeling a bit off the nuts these days. G and I seemed to have developed an allergic reaction to something that we've been eating. I reckon it's either the nuts or perhaps the sulphates in the dried apricots, so I'm going to cut down on them and see if the reaction improves.
College was great. We covered Carl Jung and Joseph Campell. VERY VERY Cool!
It was a lot harder to get through the tricep circuits tonight. Normally it's the easier one (for me) but I really struggled today. Oh well, at least I completed them. Now for a relaxing night of TV.
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